Sue Scheff: Parenting Tips for ADHD

Source: ADDitude Magazine

ADHD Parenting Tips: Be Positive and Calm

What does my style of parenting look like? Let’s say your nine-year-old refuses to comply with a simple request, like “Please pick up your toys.” Don’t repeat your request. Don’t yell or threaten a time-out. Instead, respond with action — firm, calm, quiet, and dramatic.

For instance, you might begin placing the toys into a container. If the child asks what you’re doing, you can say that the toys will remain in your possession until she pays you a small sum or performs certain chores. Your floor will be free of clutter — and your child will be more likely to comply next time.

Read entire article: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1879.html

Sue Scheff - Cyberbullying

Source: Connect with Kids

“I’d block them, but then they’d have another screen name and they’d be like ‘you’re a whore, you can’t get away from this’… It would just bring me to tears and I would cry because I couldn’t get away from it as much as I tried.”

– Erica Bryant, 18 years old

Everyday at school, Erica Bryant was harassed. “They’d call me a slut, call me a whore.”

The bullying became too much, so her parents decided to have her home schooled.

“So, sure, a huge part of the problem was resolved in that she didn’t have to face that trauma everyday, she didn’t have to sit in the lunchroom by herself,” explains her mom, Linda Perloff, “but what we didn’t expect was the power of the Internet …we didn’t expect the instant messaging.”

Erica explains her frustration: “I’d block them, but then they’d have another screen name and they’d be like ‘you’re a whore, you can’t get away from this. It would just bring me to tears and I would cry because I couldn’t get away from it, as much as I tried.”

Experts say cyber bullying can be even more painful and pervasive than face-to-face harassment.

“You can never really get away from it,” explains pediatrician Dr. Ken Haller, “because even if you’re not on the Internet checking out what people are saying about you, other people are.”

But, experts say, there are ways to minimize attacks online.

First, make sure your child doesn’t post anything revealing.

“If they’re thinking, I’m just putting this out there for my friends to read, they don’t realize that anyone can pick this up and someone who might be a potential bully would say, ‘Ah! I’m going to use this. This is great’,” says Haller.

Experts say if the cyber bullying doesn’t stop- print the messages out and show them to the bully’s parents. If the messages are threatening, go to the police.

“I always encourage parents to talk to your local law enforcement agency and run it by them,” says Judy Freeman, a school social worker. “Many times they say, ‘well, we really can’t do anything,’ but if it’s - if it borders onto harassment or if there’s some threat involved, they will become involved.”

Erica is now in a new school. The harassment has stopped- at least for her.

“If I see it happen to other girls I’m not going to sit by and watch,” she says. “I’m going to get involved and put an end to it.”

Tips for Parents

Bullying in America has become an epidemic. In fact, with the advent of the Internet, bullies don’t even have to have physical contact with your child to torment him/her. Thus, parents are faced with the monumental task of monitoring the activities of children in a world of virtually unlimited sources of information. Although many parents attempt to regulate the access of their children to the Internet, that access is, in fact, nearly ubiquitous. Consider these facts regarding children, technology and the Internet:

Children are increasingly using new technologies in school, at the library, at home and in after-school activities.

A recent study estimated that nearly 10 million children are online.

Over one quarter of U.S. classrooms have Internet access, and 78 percent of schools have some kind of access to the Internet.

Two out of three public libraries provide computers and Internet access for public use.
Because bullying – including online bullying – can be such an emotional issue, experts say it is extremely important to open the lines of communication with your kids. This can include …

Starting to talk with them early.
Initiating conversations.
Creating an open environment.
Communicating your values.
Listening to your child.
Trying to be honest.
Being patient.
Sharing your experiences.

Also, watch for behavioral changes. Children who are suffering from teasing and bullying may try to hide the hurt. They become withdrawn from family and friends, lose interest in hobbies, and may turn to destructive habits like alcohol, drugs, and acts of violence.

While bullying, harassment and teasing are unfortunate aspects of childhood, you can help minimize these occurrences by raising non-violent children. The American Academy of Pediatrics cites the following tips for curbing hurtful behavior in your child:

Give your child consistent love and attention. Every child needs a strong, loving relationship with a parent or other adult to feel safe and secure and to develop a sense of trust. Without a steady bond to a caring adult, a child is at risk for becoming hostile, difficult and hard to manage.
Make sure your child is supervised. A child depends on his or her parents and family members for encouragement, protection and support as he or she learns to think for him or herself. Without proper supervision, your child will not receive the guidance he or she needs. Studies report that unsupervised children often have behavior problems.

Monitor your child’s Internet use. If your child knows you are watching, he/she is less likely to take part in cyber-bullying. Also, encourage him/her to avoid using chat rooms with violent or derogatory conversations.

Show your child appropriate behaviors by the way you act. Children often learn by example. The behavior, values and attitudes of parents and siblings have a strong influence on them. Be firm with your child about the possible dangers of violent behavior and language. Also, remember to praise your child when he or she solves problems constructively without violence.

Be consistent about rules and discipline. When you make a rule, stick to it. Your child needs structure with clear expectations for his or her behavior. Setting rules and then not enforcing them is confusing and sets up your child to “see what he or she can get away with.”

Try to keep your child from seeing violence in the home or community. Violence in the home can be frightening and harmful to children. A child who has seen violence at home does not always become violent, but he or she may be more likely to try to resolve conflicts with violence.
Try to keep your child from seeing too much violence in the media. Watching a lot of violence on television, in the movies and in video games can lead children to behave aggressively. As a parent, you can control the amount of violence your child sees in the media by limiting television viewing and previewing games, movies, etc., before allowing access to them by your child.

Help your child stand up against violence. Support your child in standing up against violence. Teach him or her to respond with calm but firm words when others insult or threaten another person. Help your child understand that it takes more courage and leadership to resist violence than to go along with it.

References
Kaiser Family Foundation
Talking With Your Kids
British Medical Journal
American Academy of Pediatrics
University of California- Los Angeles

Sue Scheff: What are you kids saying online about you?

I read this very interesting Blog today on today's kids and what they can put online about not only themselves, but about their parents! Not excluding other family members.

By Eve Tahmincioglu

Are your Internet-crazed kids sabotaging your job search/career?

Who knows things about you that you’d rather not share with the general public? That you drink two or three martinis every night. Maybe you like to call in sick when you’re really not sick to play basketball with the kids. Or maybe you’re prone to punching in walls when you fight with your spouse.

I’ve written a lot about digital dirt lately. You know, the negative information about you on the Internet you don’t want your boss or prospective employers to see.

Well, here’s a minefield you better keep an eye on — Your own digitally savvy kids that seem to spend every waking moment of their lives sending weird things to eachother on Facebook, or MySpace.

The owner of ReputationDefender.com, Michael Fertick, recently told me of a new phenomenon he’s discovered in his quest to help people everywhere protect their online reputations. The company helps individuals by searching the Internet for bad stuff about their customers and then finding ways to get rid of it. Sometimes it’s as simple as calling a blogger and asking that something negative be removed, and in other cases it requires writing lots of good stuff about a client so it drowns out the bad stuff.

The bad stuff usually comes from disgruntled girlfriends or boyfriends; people criticizing something you wrote or a project you worked on; or maybe you got rowdy at a football game and the local paper wrote about you.

But Fertik was surprised when he discovered a new source for the bad stuff — his customers’ own kids.

Turns out some tweens, teens and even 20 somethings out there are writing about private family matters on social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, and also sharing their pain on blogs. And they’re naming names.“We’ve seen discussions by kids of parents’ incomes,” he says. For example, ‘Dad makes $75,000 per year’. They also write about their parents’ relationships, “‘Mom and Dad are fighting pretty hard tonight’, of career news ‘Mom didn’t get the promotion she wanted’; and even social habits or qualities, ‘Dad is such a d–k,’ or ‘Dad is a friggin’ alcoholic.’”

Parents shouldn’t be too surprised that their children are sharing this stuff on the Web. Kids have always had to vent about family issues to their friends, but before the Internet, conversations were kept out of the public forum, for the most part.

Fertik’s advice: Talk to your kids and check out their FaceBook accounts now. “Let them know whatever they write is a tattoo that can stain them and you (the parent), possibly forever,” he adds.

We’ve all been so worried lately that our kids may end up writing something about themselves, or sharing suggestive photos of themselves on social networking sites that could end up hurting them when they go out into the job market. None of us thought about what they may be writing about us.

Parents Universal Resource Experts - Sue Scheff: Getting Teens Talking

Source: Connect with Kids

“You can push too much and that’ll shut the child down. So it’s a fine balance: Be available, be a good listener, and also know when you do need to push in case they’re into some things that they shouldn’t be.”

– Gloria Meaux, Ph.D., psychologist

How much do teenagers tell their parents?

“I hardly share anything with my parents,” says 16-year-old Derek Kelley.

“I share very little with my parents,” says 18-year-old Tyler Wichelhaus.

And Jessie Donaghy gives an example of a question she hates: “How was your day?”

“When you’ve had a horrible day, you just feel like people at school are mad at you,” she says. “Your classes went horribly, you failed a test. It can almost be an insult without them knowing it, because it just seems insensitive.”

Experts say parents are better served asking about something specific: school projects coming up, weekend plans with a friend, or a test that the child may be worried about

“The specific questions, you’ll get more bang for your buck if you want them to communicate back to you than some general question that you could ask a stranger on the street,” says Dr. Meaux.

“Sometimes she’ll be like ‘so how is that situation going with this person’ and I’ll just burst out crying,” says Jessie.

Experts say it starts by being easy to talk to. “You’re sort of the approachable parent, that you listen more than you talk, and listening is the hard thing,” says Dr. Meaux.

And once they truly believe you’re listening, experts say they’ll open up more.

“The more talking they’ll do because they’ll be open,” says Licensed Clinical Social Worker Freddie Wilson. “[They’ll be more open if they feel] you’re open to hearing what I’m saying rather than talking and giving them solutions and solving their problems for them. They want someone to hear them.”

And knowing when your child really needs your ear comes from getting to know your child.

“I’ll look at her and I’ll say ‘You look like you’re down, did something happen?’ Yea. Was it so and so? Yea,” explains Mrs. Donaghy.

“It helps to know that she cares and that she’s actually wanting to know about things,” says Jessie.

Tips for Parents
While the teenage years can be a very frustrating time for parents and teenagers alike, no secret formula exists for talking to teens. But the Harvard School of Public Health’s Parenting Project, which conducted extensive research on parenting teens, found that “significant agreement” exists among experts regarding important basic principles for opening the communication lines.

The project’s most recent report highlights the basics of raising and communicating with your teenagers and includes a list of strategies for each. In the report, Dr. Rae Simpson says parents need to “love and connect” with their teen.

“Teens need parents to develop and maintain a relationship with them that offers support and acceptance,” Dr. Simpson writes, “while accommodating and affirming the teen’s increasing maturity.”

According to the report, you can connect with your teen by following these suggestions:

Watch for moments when you feel and can express genuine affection, respect and appreciation for your teen.
Acknowledge the good times made possible by your teen’s personality and growth.
Expect increased criticism and debate and strengthen your skills for discussing those ideas and disagreements in ways that respect both your teen’s opinions and your own.
Spend time just listening to your teen’s thoughts and feelings about his or her fears, concerns, interests, ideas, perspectives, activities, jobs, schoolwork and relationships.
Treat each teen as a unique individual distinct from siblings, stereotypes, his or her past or your own past.
Appreciate and acknowledge each teen’s new areas of interest, skills, strengths and accomplishments, as well as the positive aspects of adolescence generally, such as its passion, vitality, humor and deepening intellectual thought.
Provide meaningful roles for your teen in the family, ones that are genuinely useful and important to the family’s well being.
Spend time together one-on-one and as a family, continuing some familiar family routines, while also taking advantage of ways in which new activities, such as community volunteering, can offer alternative ways to connect.
By respecting and loving your teenager, you open the lines of communication and build a supportive and trusting environment so that your child feels comfortable opening up to you.

Dr. Simpson offers this key message to parents: “Most things about [your teen’s] world are changing. Don’t let your love be one of them.”

Research has shown that while teenagers want their freedom, they also appreciate their parents showing concern for them and being interested in their daily activities. Experts have listed guidelines for parents to set for their teenagers while still allowing them room to grow.

Monitor what your teen watches on television.
Monitor what your teen does on the Internet.
Put restrictions on the music your teen purchases.
Know where your teen spends his or her time after school and on the weekends.
Expect to be told the truth by your teen about where he or she is going.
Be “very aware” of your teen’s academic performance.
Impose a curfew.
Eat dinner with your teen six or seven nights a week.
Turn off the television during family meals.
Assign your teen regular chores.
By setting some or all of these rules, you will be in control and have a working knowledge of your teen’s activities, while still allowing them to make their own choices and decisions.

References
Bonus Families
Families are Talking
The Media Project
Focus on the Family